Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Immortal Love

Immortal Love, the vampire dating site has just opened up. Write several vampire singles ads. Vampires seeking vampires ... Vampires seeking humans (or other creatures of the night) ... Humans (or others) seeking vampires ... Wherever the imagination leads. :-E

Okay, personal ads are old school. Singles now write online profiles with pictures, but the short ones are more fun to write. :-)

If you'd like examples to get the creativity flowing, here's some that are safe for work and kids:
  • SWM, old, fat, balding, many disgusting habits seeks SWF with money. Send pictures of your house, car, RV. This could be your lucky day.
  • JELLO BOY-SWM who likes to slowly fold canned fruit into jello, seeks female partner for distinctly American activities. Dirty pigeons need not respond.
  • Hideous-looking, obese, smelly, ill-tempered, lazy, cowardly, chronic, and a complete liar seeks total opposite.
  • SWM into chainsaws and hockey masks seeks likeminded SWF. No weirdos, please.
  • SWM seeks 300lb+ woman to sit and squash doughnuts on me.
  • I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.
  • Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no identifying scars, any age. Must have all limbs. Recommend appreciation of high-pitched, screeching noises. Must like being bored and lonely. Must not touch the squids, EVER. No tongue.
  • Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.
  • Gentle, middle-aged teddy bear with unfortunate flatulence challenge seeking olfaction-impaired ourdoors girl for good times and possible matrimony. Must enjoy open-air activities and prefer spending time alone as a couple.
  • Jungle girl seeks Tarzan for swing through the trees. Must look good in a loincloth.
Many of these are supposedly from: Professional Stool Sampler Looking For Place To Sit: A Collection of Personal Ads From Alternative Newspapers by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton, 1996, Simon and Schuster. I don't see the book, even used, actually existing anywhere other than cited with the same few excerpts.

If you get inspired for a more fleshed out love lorn vampire, there's some amusing dating profiles at Nothing Personal Ads and Advice: "Take a break from your quest for long walks on the beach and candle-lit dinners. Meet some people you've probably met -- and hope to never meet again."

And two longer singles ads: "I need an unstable woman ..." and "Single black female ...".
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