Last things first

Use one of the following as a last line in a writing piece (or your NaNo).

“It’s a strange world, isn’t it?”
"...and like that, he was gone"
You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry, you will someday.
“Oh, my God!”
“Victory is ours!”
“And you call yourself a detective.”
“I feel as though I'd lived through all of this before in another life.”
“You can't hurt me. I always wear a bullet-proof vest around the studio.”
“Good. For a moment there, I thought we were in trouble.”
“Well, nobody’s perfect.”
"Guilty or innocent?”
“Like hell I would.”

Mostly culled from movies (since those were easier lists to find.) I'd list the site but ads kept popping up and freezing the browser.

(If you're curious about which movies they came from, click on Comments.)

Spadochron awoke

Start a story with the first word in the first sentence, second word in the second sentence and so on. Don't worry about

bad boy
spadochron
awoke
prosim
lamakausi
raucous
organdy
litareis
brown recluse
fibrosity
sublime
teasers
encausen
tsipouro

These were generated at Wiktionary by clicking the Random page link on a word's definition page. The cool thing is it gives you not only English words but words from some other languages too (defined in English). (Italian kept coming up for some reason even though other languages have more words there.)

"When I sit at my table ..."

Worldbreaker game

Worldbreaker is a collaborative game for creating worlds. There is one rule: Players take turns making simple statements about what the setting IS or ISN'T, or DOES or DOESN'T have. And that's it. He suggests 2 - 6 or 7 players. (There are also several stipulations at his website to help the players play nice together. )

Probably the best way to explain it is an example. This is from the "Four-Fold War" world:

• stee: 01) The world IS NOT spherical.
  
• mari: 02) The world HAS magic.
  
• curi: 03) The world HAS fluctuating gravity.
  
• stee: 04) The world HAS a wide and diverse biosphere.
  
• mari: 05) The societies of the world HAVE moved beyond conventional firearms.
  
• curi: 06) There ARE several random wells of raw magic.
  
• stee: 07) One society DOES "mine" these wells.
  
• mari: 08) The forms that magic takes ARE widely varied.
  
• curi: 09) The planet's plants and animals ARE capable of using the magic.
  
• stee: 10) There ARE at least three sentient species of animal.

and it goes on to expand on specific details that develop:

• mari: 89) There IS a group of humanoids who have combined magic with martial arts.
  
• curi: 90) The Avians DO HAVE a group of warriors who hide feather-shaped razors on their bodies.
  
• stee: 91) One group of humanlike creatures IS trying to provoke a war.
  
• mari: 92) The wandering god HAS gotten bored.
  
• curi: 93) The Plantlikes ARE using their shifting abilities to spy on the Avians and Humanlikes.
  
• stee: 94) The plantlikes ARE willing to unleash a virus upon the Avians to ensure their survival.
  
• mari: 95) The AI HAS a body.
  
• curi: 96) The Ursines HAVE made a pact with their pantheon representative to fight only in self-defense.
  
• stee: 97) The AI's body IS a suit of humanlike power armour named Cortana.
  
• mari: 98) The gods WILL destroy everything if total war erupts.
  
• curi: 99) The Aquatic race IS preparing to perish if they can't stop the war.
  
• all: 100) The setting IS called 'The Four-Fold War'.

You can see the full "Four-Fold War" world and more examples are at his website where, besides the worlds themselves, you might find an idea or two that might spark your own world.

Be thankful

You know those trees with the handprint leaves you write something to be thankful for on? Your favorite Evil Dude (E.D.) has been inspired to create one. Of course he'll use severed hands instead of construction paper and carve his message with a fresh craft knife rather than use crayon.

So, what's he thankful for? Make a list.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Watch for falling rocks

(Click picture for a large image)

Write a news report for this. Newspaper. TV. Internet news. Tabloid. Just because it's a real photo, don't feel compelled to tie yourself to reality! :-)

"I write first drafts with ..."

More plot ninjas

Seventh Sanctum has a wealth of information for writers and oodles of generators of all sorts. Need a less cliche vampire character? A sword of power? A god or goddess? Legend? Name for a gadet or dark ritual or disease or corporation? They've got them and lots lots more.

One is the Writing Challenge Generator. These ideas can be used to drive a story or you can pull out pieces as plot ninjas for a story or your NaNoWriMo project. You can generate 1-10 challenges at a time, with a complexity of 1-5 elements in each (or a random amount). Here are 10 randomly generated writing challenges:

• The story must have a jackal at the beginning. The story must involve an idol in it. A character is optomistic throughout most of the story. During the story, a character is attacked.
  
  
• The story must have a drum appear in the middle. A character becomes joyous during the story.
  
  
• The story is set during a funeral. The story takes place ten years in the past. The story must involve some musical pipes at the end. A character is lustful throughout most of the story.
  
  
• The story ends during a war. During the story, there is a need to ask directions. A character will read someone's diary.
  
  
• The story starts during a riot.
  
  
• The story must have a chipmunk at the end. The story must involve a bracelet in it.
  
  
• A character will eat a meal, but the action goes terribly wrong. A character becomes enraged during the story. The story must have a barracuda at the end. The story must involve a magical grimoire in it. The story takes place in the late evening.
  
  
• A character attacks someone. A character is negative throughout most of the story. During the story, a character becomes pregnant.
  
  
• The story ends in a sunken ship. During the story, there is an explosion. A character opens a door, and they aren't happy with it. During the story, a character finds a pleasant surprise.
  
  
• The story ends during a holiday ceremony. The story takes place in the winter. The story must have an elephant at the end. The story must involve a formal outfit in it.
  

Plot ninjas

A plot ninja is a person, place, thing, idea that you drop into your plot when you get stuck. Started on the NaNoWriMo forums from the suggestion that every NaNo book should include a ninja jumping out of a wardrobe, they've expanded to be anything that pops into someone's head.

These come from the Take a Prompt, Leave a Prompt folder at the forums. (Probably now buried in the archives at the NaNo site.)

Cut them up and put them in a bowl to draw out a random idea when you get stuck. If you're not doing NaNoWriMo, pull out an idea as a prompt and start writing. When you get stuck, pull out another.

• start your writing with a description of wet feet
  
• Dreams
  
• crumpled clothing
  
• a llama
  
• pink post-it notes
  
• three uneaten oranges..
  
• overhearing a conversation of a tourist and a local
  
• a pet curled up in a chair
  
• tumbleweed
  
• some moldy cheese
  
• a disgruntled landlord
  
• an antique quilt
  
• a picture of a gorgeous man
  
• an unusual locket
  
• an unusually detailed, oft-repeated doodle
  
• a Rubik's cube
  
• Your MC gets a headache
  
• frosted strawberry pop tarts
  
• old ugly wallpaper on a grandparent's bedroom wall
  
• a Halloween bucket full of candy wrappers, with one piece of candy still left at the bottom
  
• A water proof safe, Full of water, left in the middle of the desert
  
• a pair of gangly teenagers with braces, making out
  
• a mannequin
  
• a battered dart board
  
• a homemade birdhouse hanging from a street sign
  
• a one-eyed chicken
  
• a slimy slug trail
  
• Finding a stranger in your bathtub
  
• Getting caught in the rain
  
• A child with a pink ice cream
  
• The couple in the apartment next to you having an argument about a mysterious person called 'Phil'
  
• the sound of a prom dress being thrown away
  
• A notorious thief finds a baby in a boat on the Thames
  
• An unopened love letter from twenty years ago
  
• A broken doll
  
• A handful of sugared violets
  
• An angel on a park bench
  
• And a duke box
  
• a soggy cardboard box that has sat out in the rain all night
  
• a perfectly round rock with an X drawn across it in crayon
  
• Three people from the same office thrown together under canvas for one night. It's raining. There's no booze. There's only two sleeping bags
  
• one woman who sits next to you on the bus with her ipod turned so loud you can hear Christmas Carols, and it's still November
  
• A motorcyclist zooming by, wearing a helmet cam and a microphone
  
• two people walking down the street wearing a horse costume
  
• a piece of broken, dusty yellow-orange glass
  
• a camera with everything intact except the film, which is melted
  
• a row of empty seats with one in the middle occupied. Then another person comes along and takes a seat right next to that person, instead of an empty one further down
  
• a book in a foreign language with the covers ripped off, found in a public place
  
• a necklace with the cord snapped, beads bouncing every which way on a tile floor
  
• A lone operator working by herself all night in a deserted building
  
• A homemade lasagna falling as the cook is knocked over by a large Rhodesian Ridgeback (breed of dog)
  
• One very expensive hairless cat (cannot remember the breed) being held for ransom
  
• 2 people dressed up for Halloween -- one as Santa Claus, the other as the Easter Bunny
  
• A pet dog with a phobia of anything smaller than him!
  
• a chewed up pen in the parking lot (you decide whether it still works or not)
  
• a book in a foreign language with the covers ripped off, found in a public place
  
• a cell phone that fell into a toilet
  
• weapons, elements of battle
  
• The sound of sobbing coming from the attic
  
• someone finding out there is no water coming out of the tap on a given day (while they wanted to take a shower, for example)
  
• Several strands of hair stuck together with sticky tape
  
• Highlighters that have run out, but smell nice
  
• A cracked, glass statue
  
• a candy bar wrapper
  
• a broken timepiece
  
• a teddy bear with (detachable) bunny ears
  
• a puddle of water on the floor
  
• a penguin where it doesn't belong (say, in a house)
  
• A painting of a snowboarder, with a dinosaur hidden within the background
  
• a goldfish swimming in the toilet
  
• A palm tree oasis in the middle of the desert
  
• an old Underwood typewriter with the ribbon stuck somewhere between black and red
  
• a three legged cat, (you decide how he lost his leg, or if we even know)
  
• a bloody razor blade found in a public restroom
  
• A smell which reminds your MC of their mother's home cooking
  
• A dusty trilby lying abandoned on the pavement, and no one else around
  
• A frog that squeezes under a gap in the door when it's raining
  
• A wallet filled with money in an empty car park
  
• a purse - shaped necklace that can open and close
  
• a lighted train rushing by at twilight
  
• a pizza delivery guy delivering a pre-paid pizza to the wrong address
  
• a pair of mismatched flip flops
  
• a set of four spoons, all bent out of shape
  
• a maroon moose that sings Christmas carols. (can be a stuffed moose, if you like)
  
• the landscape of Cocoa Puffs...go nuts
  
• the moon as a consolation prize
  
• a broken doll
  
• Mindscape
  
• A doll missing one of its limbs
  
• The dog barks at midnight
  
• A shoe impression was left in the tomato
  
• A platinum ring found in the bottom of a bargain bin in a music store
  
• three rusty lug-nuts
  
• an old gas lamppost
  
• a throbbing headache
  
• a thrift store shopping spree
  
• a dollar bill with writing on it
  
• pumpkin pie
  
• An ornate clock on a wall
  
• the futility of sweeping potato chips off the side of a mountain
  
• A paperclip lost in the septic tank
  
• a half-finished crossword left on the train, that must be returned
  
• a cold, clear mountain stream
  
• a Chinese pagoda
  
• a shovel stuck into a mound of dirt
  
• a mislabeled lollipop--it's a flavor you don't like or weren't expecting
  
• a plastic green dinosaur whose head is a staple remover
  
• A pangolin
  
• A moderately rainy day
  
• A flamethrower
  
• Miniature Robots
  
• three old batteries and a change purse
  
• an unexpected strip of duct tape
  
• a strangely addictive song
  
• a purple permanent marker
  
• a barrel of monkeys
  
• a field full of talking flowers
  
• Three glow-in-the-dark Troll dolls
  
• Whenever I think of Paris, I think of..
  
• Fur-dyed poodles! (either pink or blue or green... I'll leave that up to you)
  
• a forgotten sock
  
• watching TV from a safe position behind the sofa
  
• a Mysterious Stranger (abbreviated sometimes to AMS)
  
• a strange cloud formation
  
• the sound of a baby crying, or laughing
  
• a facial expression completely at odds with what a character is saying
  
• an extreme temperature change, you decide how or why
  
• a dead body, killed with that shovel (the traveling shovel of death)
  
• a case of identify theft
  
• the feeling you get when you are in the house on your own, and you could almost swear that there is someone behind you, and it gives you a weird burst of speed, and you run into the next room, slamming the door
  1,000 baby turtles gone missing
  
• An egg that cracks open and nothing is inside
  
• A horse named Albert with OCD
  
• A girl named Doug
  
• A one hundred on a test that you paid the teacher to get
  
• The smell of the keyboard
  
• Ten chickens that have no idea that they are chickens
  
• ginger beer
  
• a fight/action scene at a zoo
  
• the last leaf on a tree
  
• Dwarf tossing
  
• a rescued turtle
  
• a British phone booth found anywhere except the UK
  
• three gold star stickers
  
• a mallard duck
  
• A cape
  
• a pitcher of eggnog
  
• a pair of mismatched curtains
  
• an experience that fills the MC with both joy and fear
  
• a dozen cigarette ends floating in a wine glass
  
• a man wearing fingerless gloves
  
• a dead shark
  
• a house with peppermint-themed interior decor
  
• a villain who loves pie
  
• a broken computer on a doorstep
  
• a trophy tarnished with age
  
• a ceiling full of mold
  
• a cry for forgiveness
  
• twenty ancient unopened jars of apricot jam
  
• a blue stuffed elephant named Trunky
  
• your MC suddenly finds him/herself in possession of a prized racehorse
  
• A very wet dog on the couch
  
• A cozy fire on the hearth
  
• a Dixieland jazz band
  
• A funeral where everybody's laughing and cheering about how the deceased will not be missed
  
• A black kitten named Matt
  
• a broken wine glass
  
• a repair bill
  
• a half empty Coca-Cola
  
• an old grandfather clock set to the wrong time
  
• the making of a salad
  
• a very old bloodhound
  
• hot peppermint tea with little mini biscotti from a boxful bought at Shoprite
  
• two blue ballet shoes and a claddagh ring (which have a relation to one another, a tied significance)
  
• a pair of fairy wings
  
• a stove timer that always adds five minutes onto the time inputted
  
• an unjust accusation
  
• the scent of freshly baked bread
  
• the taste of a lie
  
• a red haired girl with one blue and one green eye
  
• an ingrown toenail
  
• squirrels in the attic
  
• A flower pot getting thrown off a roof
  
• a dog kennel that washes up on shore
  
• a TV show involving robots
  
• a river without any fish
  
• a baby with colic
  
• the number 7
  
• a roaring fire
  
• a burning bush
  
• a dead rose in a vase
  
• a frozen pond with the ice broken in the center
  
• An impromptu dancing lesson
  
• A parakeet that can only say, "Schpedoinkle!"
  
• A single glove found lying on the sidewalk
  
• A car catching on fire
  
• a white tank top
  
• ceramic dwarves
  
• blue highlighted hair
  
• a nightgown in a washing machine
  
• a cat sitting on feet
  
• the ending of a video game
  
• multi-hue eyed girl!
  
• an illicit affair
  
• A horse named Albert
  
• A purple spotted toad
  
• A grandmother who thinks that she is a fish
  
• needing badly to go to the bathroom in the middle of a meeting
  
• a plastic carnation painted green with nail polish
  
• A red wedding dress
  
• Afternoon nap when it's raining outside
  
• A purse filled with brown leaves
  
• Tangles headphone cables
  
• The salt cap falling off while salting a dish, and all the salt falling in
  
• A train ride
  
• Getting pizza for the mixed herb packets
  
• Playing cards all night
  
• another character's perspective
  
• voices in the attic
  
• "I can't sit still."
  
• an over-enthusiastic nude photographer
  
• a pair of papier mâché clawed hands
  
• a midnight snowfall
  
• a selection of brightly coloured boxes in an empty room/house
  
• a light-up, plug-in, green gnome
  
• a well-preserved dinosaur skeleton
  
• a missing iguana
  
• gypsy dancing bears
  
• your character's reaction to running over something on the road
  
• someone wearing mismatched socks
  
• a niggling memory that you can ALMOST remember, but not quite
  
• "Of course I'm fine. I'm more than fine. Who wouldn't be with someone like you landing on me??"
  
• a messed up judicial system causing an arrest and detainment in jail
  
• fine, realistic costume jewelry
  
• a rickety, creaking white gate that gives someone away
  
• a spy who catches a bad cold at just the wrong time
  
• A hair ribbon flying with the wind
  
• a nearly-empty jar of peanut butter
  
• No two snowflakes are alike
  
• the lifetime of a $5 bill
  
• A toad under a rock
  
• a fake potted plant
  
• a vast array of staples
  
• an umbrella left in the park on a sunny day
  
• a strange light in the sky
  
• a sudden burst of laughter
  
• a knife with a dull, nicked blade
  
• Mug shot, toe tag and broken bridge
  
• blowing up an air mattress with a hair dryer
  
• a car stuck in mud
  
• A cat lying in the sunlight
  
• Odd eyes
  
• An unpainted dollhouse
  
• The last book in a series
  
• A dusty globe of Saturn
  
• The sound of thinking
  
• a consistent beeping noise
  
• a nightmare about a horse
  
• an earthquake
  
• celebration of a feast
  
• performing a ritual
  
• MC must taste chocolate, cacao, or similar substance
  
• a music box that won't open
  
• glass figurines
  
• a plastic lizard
  
• purple nail polish

Kitten Dream

Here's something Kat stumbled across and has anxiously been waiting for the owners to do something with the website. (She just loves anything to do with cute kitties!) It's the Chinese website for Kitten Dream, a cast of characters who appear in comics (manhua) and animation and lots of merchandise.

There are several 7 page and 20 page comics written in Chinese. The challenge today is to write English words that would fit the story. (Not translating. Just coming up with your own words.) What's interesting is how much you can get of the story just from the pictures. Note: the panels read right to left, but the pages for "7 page" stories are arranged left to right -- just to confuse you more! :-)

Here's the cast of characters (in English) if you want to use their names or get some hints about their personalities.

The "7 page" comics (though apparently they're only 4 pages long??) load quickly and the whole (very simple) story appears all on one screen.

The 20 page comics take a while to load (even with high speed internet) with one page per screen but the stories are a bit more complex. (Though we're not talking Shakespeare here ;-) You'll be able to pick up what's going on by looking at the pictures!)

(Some of the site has been translated into English but not the comics yet. The English link is in the upper right corner.)

"Stay loose and flexible ..."

The Evil Overlord Devises a Plot

Need some plotting help for your NaNo or other project?

Teresa Nielsen Hayden, editor at Tor Books, gave a lecture on "Stupid Plotting Tricks" at the Viable Paradise Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers' Workshop. Part of the lecture was way to use the cliches from the evil overlord lists: The Evil Overlord Devises a Plot From her lecture:

Start with some principles:

• A plot doesn't have to be new. It just has to be new to the reader.
  
• In fact, it doesn't even have to be new to the reader. It just has to get past him. (It helps if the story's moving fast and there's lots of other interesting stuff going on.)
  
• A plot device that's been used a thousand times may be a cliche, but it's also a trick that works. That's why it keeps getting used.
  
• Several half-baked ideas can often be combined into one fully-cooked one.
  
• If you have one plot presented three ways, you have three plots. If you have three plots presented one way, you have one plot. (I stole this principle from Jim Macdonald's lecture on how to really generate plots, which is much better than my lecture on stupid plot tricks.)
  
• Steal from the best.
  
• Looked at from this angle, the Internet's various lovingly-compiled cliche lists are a treasury of useful plot devices. The instructions that follow are one way to use them.
  

And she goes on to describe generating numbers to pick ideas from the list but in the paragraph below that is a little tiny "here" that will generate some for you. Here's some generated ones:

---

Advice for the Evil Overlord:

If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.

Advice for the Hero:

I will never allow fashion sense to prevent me from carrying whatever is useful or needful for the Heroic Struggle.

Advice for the Bad Auxiliary Character (Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter):

If you have siblings, do not trust them. They'll only use you shamelessly. Of course if they're stupid enough to trust you, use them shamelessly.

Advice for the Good Auxiliary Character (Innocent Bystander):

Do not split up to search for the monster.

Further Evil (Advice on Ultimate Weapons/Spells):

I will also refrain from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If it's really the UW, the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.

Murphy's Laws of Combat:

• The most delicate component will be dropped.
  
• Success occurs when no one is looking; failure occurs when the General is watching.
  
• Everything goes wrong at once.
  

---

Also funny, but not included in her generator are "Things We Learned at the Movies". Here's the full list that's she's drawing from Evil Overlord Lists (including Murphy's Laws of Combat and Things We Learned at the Movies).

Fuschia volcano

Cut up the following words and put them in a bowl. For NaNo writers, when you get stuck, pull out one of the words and use that in the next sentence you write. If they don't make sense, edit them out later. :-) The point is to get your thoughts moving. (Though it's really cool when a random word sparks a neat idea.)

If you're not doing NaNo, include one random word in each sentence you write for the next 10 to 15 minutes.

ensorcled
bear hug
scandal
natural
flimsy
arresting tale
fuschia
volcano
superfluous
juniper
clone
absorb
emerald
weeping
tumble weed
brown sugar
thief
obscure
overprotective
serene
rivalry
tradition
black satin
lace
destroyed
caprice
emblazon
bash
dysfunctional
aflame
requiem
kookie
fried
awesome
unruly
apathetic
flit
hidden
damnation
frosted
holiday
nightsong
resistant
flying dagger
out cast
heirloom rose
crunch
ridiculous
entropy
improvise
babble
condemn
wimple
dead of night
plot
lucky
doomed
magenta jewel
spring frost
evil spirit
jabberwocky
seasoned
core
plunder
recognition
pride
ambitious
skeleton crew
glamorous
lifeless
oppression
religious
plead
humorous
superficial
gourmet
nobility
stargaze
sandy
mook
scorch
cream
machete
blackberry
wake
slumber
attitude
black ink
train station
era
abandoned
tower
grandiose
avoid
mercurial
manitcore
vestige
silver wing
guardian
dominant
disguise

What about that embarrassing tattoo?

Interview a character or characters from your NaNo novel or from a stalled piece with characters you liked.

It can be a group interview with questions each character answers. It can be an interview with a single character. I've done interviews with characters who are plucked from the current situation they're in. I've done interviews with characters after they've died who reflect back on the period the story takes place in. I've done interviews with characters immediately following the action of the story.

Ask them about their motivations. Ask them the questions you need the answers to. Your characters will tell you things that you didn't even know about them! You will hear where motivations are weak that need punched up.

Here are some ideas:

• How do you feel about [another character]?
  
• What are your thoughts on the events that led up to the crisis?
  
• Why did you feel you needed to [whatever event triggered a turning point in the book]?
  
• If there is one thing you could have changed, what would it be?
  
• Why do you hate your sister?
  
• Tell me about the time you ended up in jail. How did that come about?
  
• You recently received a death threat. How seriously are you taking this?
  
• Looking back on the situation, what would you have done differently?
  
• Are you pleased with the way the situation is being/was handled?
  
• If you could kill someone with impunity, who would it be?

"Trying to explain ..."

Some things we've learned ...

Some things we've learned from past NaNos:

From me: It's okay to leave scenes unfinished. The linear one-thing-at-a-time part of me is rankled but it needs to shut up so I can write. If a scene isn't working, it's okay to move onto another. Sometimes later scenes can help finish out a previous scene. But it's okay if you don't go back right now. NaNoWriMo doesn't mean it's a complete first draft. Some people don't even finish their books. The goal is just 50,000 words.

It's okay to call characters and places xxx. ;-) I never had to resort to that before but I have several characters who get mentioned and might play bigger roles but I don't know enough about them yet to give them good names. So for now they're xxx.

I like discovering things about my characters. I've found myself saying "I didn't know you had a sister who worshipped you. I didn't know you had a talent for cooking. I didn't know you burned out your own magical powers to destroy them."

From Kat: "Drop frogs and zombies with pink ray guns on people." (Which more generally can be translated into let wild things happen and see what happens :-)

Making up quirks can create more problems for the characters --- which takes more words to take care of. For instance I had two characters walking through the woods so I gave one a really bad sense of direction.

Eating and food are great padding.

Anyone else have NaNo tips from previous attempts?

Callous depravity

NaNoWriMo starts today!

Since your novel can go anywhere and doesn't necessarily need to make sense at this point, use the following phrases to drive your next scene (or scenes).

Or use them in a 10-15 minute writing piece. If a phrase sparks a great idea but you can't get the phrase in, go with the idea :-) Their purpose is to spark ideas not chain you down.

accident of fate
broken rules
callous depravity
delicately invisible
endangered heaven
fake maps
gold daze
hair ball
intended fear
just a sip
kitty corner
lacy lattice
mammoth bones
naked killer
ocean of storms
paint brush
quick cash
rain bows
saffron wonders
tangle wood
unlikely trendy places
vesper dawn
warm fuzzies
excel saga
yesterday's news
zircon vortex

Chocolate skunk

For each set of 7 words, generate a sentence. To make it extra challenging, use them in order. (Feel free to change tenses and word forms.)

1. gallop crooked siren macabre fluttering shudder vintage
   
2. torment traveler deftly surprise poem hairy ticket
   
3. shy skull brash horror release rage journey
   
4. traitor tranquil raced deadly grumpy rhapsody jagged
   
5. temple reward tunnel foster sick tournament spotless
   
6. chocolate harrowing skunk jokes wander artist frightened
   
7. sequined insectoid shallow daunting pyramid book gorgeous
   
8. competition ooze foggy flames spiral stranger quickest
   
9. coward thief scared eyeball screech laugh strange
   
10. tease shiver ancient twitch squealed absorb liar
    
11. angel nasty fever visitor dependable modified curved
    
12. impenetrable fuzzy unusual outstanding microscopic talons typical
    
13. deep triumphant evaded wings flipped overgrown stripes
    
14. foolish slobbered idiot adroit acrobat cherish cheater
    
15. magnetic patrol hidden guess vanish shard crawled
    
16. teeming dancer thrill transform mask thirst limber
    
17. deny dictator sweat swelling worried rust curdling
    
18. brave checkered sly fierce hobbled underneath fatal
    
19. beast distant altered ingenious ruined flammable mirror
    
20. certain clever guard accident screeched spiky slimy

"Writing a novel ..."

National Novel Writing Month

National Novel Writing Month begins November 1! (Next Thursday.)

If you haven't heard about NaNoWriMo before, all across the world, people set aside the month of November to try to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. Just 30 days. (Most people participating have jobs or go to school so those are not excuses!)

Yes, it's insane but it's also a lot of fun :-)

What's the point? Well, for one thing, to prove to yourself you can do it. For another, to get the experience of writing without editing. That second thing is the most powerful for me: learning to write without asking yourself if it's good or not. As Chris Baty has said:

The key to NaNoWriMo success is to lower your expectations from 'best seller' to 'would not make someone vomit.' -- Chris Baty

The goal is to produce words. Not great prose. Just words. You can plan ahead of time, think up a plot, but no actual writing of the novel until November 1.

My daughter Kat (16) and I have done it (and completed it! often with minutes to spare ;-) 3 times now and are planning to do it again.

I've done it twice with ideas I came up with the night before. Last year I had a handful of random characters about a week before.

Considering the novel I was working on before NaNoWriMo (for ::: cough ::: 20 years) was just 100,000 words of notes, it truly amazed me that a novel could flow out (okay struggle out somedays ;-) of me without a great deal of planning. :-)

The biggest thing separating people from their artistic ambitions is not a lack of talent. It's the lack of a deadline. -- Chris Baty

You don't have to finish the novel. You just need to produce at least 50,000 words of the novel. No one reads what you've written. When you're done, you upload the file and a machine counts the words. (Apparently it's very generous about what it considers a word.) If it counts at least 50,000, you win!

What do you win? The satisfaction of having written a novel! :-) (And also a downloadable certificate you can print out and hang on your refrigerator.)

There are several people who have gone on to complete and polish their NaNoWriMo projects and gotten them published. So you never know!

Writing can be more fun if you stop trying to get it perfect on the first go-round. You can get it perfect in the rewrite. The first draft is all about making wonderful messes. -- Chris Baty

To produce 50,000 words by the end of November, the minimum you need to write is 1700 words per day. That doesn't give you much padding for the days the words aren't flowing and for little things like Thanksgiving, so setting a goal of 2000 words a day gives some generous padding.

Chris Baty, who began the insanity, says in his "No Plot, No Problem" book that it takes most people 1.5 - 2 hours a day. The truth is that it takes as much time as you give it. If you give it all day, it takes all day. (Which it does for Kat and me ;-)

NaNoWriMo has a website (above) with lots of tips and a massive message board with a huge number of tips and ideas and lots and lots of support from people who are also putting themselves through the torture. (There are folders where people are giving away plots and characters for the taking :-) There are regional "write-ins" where NaNoWriMoers gather in coffee shops and Pizza Huts to write together to encourage each other.

If you want to participate, go to the website and register. I think you don't have to register until you're ready to upload but if you do register you can post on the boards.

I'll be posting tips and such throughout the month (that can also be used as stand alone writing prompts).

Hot trends and hatebooks

Google Trends tracks searches that have shown sudden surges in popularity and updates the lists throughout the day.

Here's your character's most recent searches. Start writing about his or her life and why he or she is searching for these particular items. If you don't know what something is, make it up!

white dog poop
brussels griffon
light of doom
imaginationland
teacup pigs
philanthropy
idlebrain
teen witch
mute math
vaartha
gossip girl dare devil
pinkberry
toto toilet
hatebook
superbug

Angel of Death

This is from the NaNoWriMo Adopt-a-plot folder where writers post extra plots they won't be using.

Use it as a 10-15 minute writing prompt or go for a longer piece.

#419: "A group of select people are contacted divinely and instructed to help others prepare themselves for death (yeah, probably in that weird angel-of-death way, and think the elderly or terminally ill). They're escorted by angels in human guise to their "charges". But the job is dangerous, as there are demons in human guise (pretending to be angels) trying to trick the people into helping people prepare for death who aren't about to go (such as people contemplating suicide, etc.)!" -- Xandurth

"The worst thing you write ..."

Left vs Right

Here's a fun test. Is the dancer rotating right (clockwise) or left (counterclockwise)?

Left vs Right Brain: Test for creativity or logic (also here if that one disappears).

They say if she's rotating right you're using the right side of your brain, the artistic side. If she's rotating left you're using the left side of your brain, the logical side. I don't know if that's true or not, but it's a cool effect anyway!

For me she's usually rotating left, but sometimes she goes right. Which does conform to the engineer and artist parts in me. My daughter can make it switch back and for as she looks at it. I can't! When I look at it I can't imagine how it could possibly go other other way, even though it might switch directions next time I look at it :-)

What does that have to do with writing? Writing draws on both logic (left brain) and creativity (right brain). Stories need to make sense, be logical. They also need to be surprising. It's a balance. When structuring a story, some writers feel more comfortable relying on the logical side, some on the creative side. That's why some writing advisors will say you must plan your novel before beginning and others say planning will stifle creativity. The truth is whatever you find works for you. Play around with planning and not planning and you'll find the balance that works for you. (And the balance may change for different projects.)

With National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) coming up next month, you'll have a great opportunity to experience letting your right brain take the driver's seat. :-) (More on NaNoWriMo later.)

There are also right brain and left brain writing prompts. Right brain prompts often present random ideas and let your brain find connections. Left brain prompts often begin with a structure and let your brain use that as a foundation to play with ideas.

The WritingFix has a nice collection of right brain and left brain prompts. It used to be easy to navigate but someone "fixed" the layout and now it just makes your eyes hurt. (It also used to be easier to ignore the teacherly advice on how various exercises tie into the "important stuff" the kids are "supposed" to be learning from the exercise.) But here are some links (that link, at least as I'm writing this, to the pages with the more readable "unfixed" layout, with a nice navigation on the left.) I've used several of these as prompts here over the years.

Right brain writing prompts:

Word Games with Serendipity

Story Starters for Writers

Great Sentence Creators

Who/What/When/Where Game

Visual Sparks for Writers

Right-Brained Poetry Prompts

Alliterative Sparks for Writers

Miscellaneous Right-Brained Writing Prompts

Left brain writing prompts:

Start and Stop Game

Imitating Written Structures

Step-by-Step Mini Writers' Workshops

List Writes

Playing with Language

Structured Paragraphs

Left-Brained Poetry Prompts

Sausage Sentences (old prompt but "new improved" page layout)

Red cars go faster

Use as many of the phrases as you can in a 10-15 minute writing piece. (Order isn't important.)

I'm always right
hot metal
we start fires
pigeon detectives
the conformist takes all
limited edition yogurt
loveliest alarm
first, the lights
you got me wrong
red cars go faster
make up
meet the boss
amputee smile
seaside
city place
innocent child
come down captain
the pragmatist
what we all want
shut your eyes and you'll burst into flames

(In case you're curious, they came from song and band names on the album What We All Want.)

You are what you eat

Go to your refrigerator and write down 10 random or oddest items in there. Write the introductory paragraphs of a character who only has those items in his or her refrigerator.

(Alternatively, go to the grocery store and go hog weird wild to choose 10 items.)

"The pages are still blank ..."

First things first

First lines of course! They come first for readers, though not necessarily for writers. It might even be the last line you write once you've written the story and know what it's all about.

The first line should create the need to know more. It sets up questions in the readers mind. Why? How did that happen? Who did it?

Here's the American Book Review's List of 100 best first lines from novels.

But even more grabbing to my mind, since I read genre fiction rather than literary fiction, are these collected by Allan Rousselle on his blog. (I like that idea of collecting a particular author's first lines. I'll have to try it!)

He also wrote an essay about First Lines.

There are also several great first lines at the post at the bottom of the page at Bibliobibuli.

Use these as writing prompts or examples of great first lines to inspire you.

Robert Heinlein

From Beyond This Horizon, his first published novel:

Their problems were solved: the poor they no longer had with them; the sick, the lame, the halt, and the blind were historic memories; the ancient casues of war no longer obtained; they had more freedom than Man has ever enjoyed. All of them should have been happy --

From The Day After Tomorrow:

"What the hell goes on here?"

From "Waldo":

The act was billed as ballet tap -- which does not describe it.

From "Magic, Inc.":

"Whose spells are you using, buddy?"

From "The Roads Must Roll":

"Who makes the roads roll?"

From "Requiem":

On a high hill in Samoa there is a grave.

From "The Long Watch":

Johnny Dahlquist blew smoke at the Geiger counter.

From "The Green Hills of Earth":

This is the story of Rhysling, the blind singer of the Spaceways -- but not the official version.

From The Puppet Masters:

Were they truly intelligent?

From "Jerry Was a Man":

Don't blame the Martians.

From The Door Into Summer:

One winter shortly before the Six Weeks War my tomcat, Petronius the Arbiter, and I lived in an old farmhouse in Connecticut.

From Have Space Suit -- Will Travel:

You see, I had this space suit.

From "The Year of the Jackpot":

At first Potiphar Breen did not notice the girl who was undressing.

From "The Unpleasant Profession of Jonathan Hoag":

"Is it blood, doctor?"

From Stranger in a Strange Land:

Once upon a time there was a Martian named Valentine Michael Smith.

From Time Enough for Love:

History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- ie, none to speak of.

From The Number of the Beast:

"He's a Mad Scientist and I'm his Beautiful Daughter."

From The Cat Who Walks Through Walls:

"We need you to kill a man."

From To Sail Beyond the Sunset:

I woke up in bed with a man and a cat. The man was a stranger; the cat was not.

And lastly, a first line that certainly makes *me* want to read more, from "It's Great to be Back!":

"Hurry up, Allan!"

Stephen King

From Rage:

The morning I got it on was nice; a nice May morning.

From 'Salem's Lot:

Almost everyone thought the man and the boy were father and son.

From The Shining:

Jack Torrance thought: Officious little prick.

From "Night Surf":

After the guy was dead and the smell of his burning flesh was on the air, we all went back down to the beach.

From "The Mangler":

Officer Hunton got to the laundry just as the ambulance was leaving -- slowly, with no sirens or flashing lights.

From "Trucks":

The guy's name was Snodgrass and I could see him getting ready to do something crazy.

From "The Ledge":

"Go on," Cressner said again. "Look in the bag."

From "The Lawnmower Man":

In previous years, Harold Parkette had always taken pride in his lawn.

From Cujo:

Once upon a time, not so long ago, a monster came to the small town of Castle Rock, Maine.

From "Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption":

There's a guy like me in every state and federal prison in America, I guess -- I'm the guy who can get it for you.

From Christine:

This is the story of a lover's triangle, I suppose you'd say -- Arnie Cunningham, Leigh Cabot, and, of course, Christine.

From "The Mist":

This is what happened.

From It:

The terror, which would not end for another twenty-eight years -- if it ever did end -- began, so far as I know or can tell, with a boat made from a sheet of newspaper floating down a gutter swollen with rain.

From The Dark Tower:

The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.

From "Secret Window, Secret Garden":

"You stole my story," the man on the doorstep said.

From "The Library Police":

Everything, Sam Peebles decided later, was the fault of the goddamned acrobat.

From "Dolan's Cadillac":

I waited and watched for seven years.

From "The Doctor's Case":

I believe there was only one occasion upon which I actually solved a crime before my slightly fabulous friend, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

From "Why We're in Vietnam":

When someone dies, you think about the past.

From "L.T.'s Theory of Pets":

My friend L.T. hardly ever talks about how his wife disappeared, or how she's probably dead, just another victim of the axe man, but he likes to tell the story of how she walked out on him.

No want!

Write a want ad or a for sale ad.

Here's some ideas to get the juices flowing:

• The unexpected litter of dragon hatchlings deposited on your door step
  
• Shuttle Repair for Dummies
  
• Tickets to Angels v. Demons match
  
• Alien object
  
• Ex-husband/Ex-wife
  
• A mace
  
• Griffin manure
  
• Space salvage
  
• Lute collection
  
• A camelipolus, complete with harness
  
• Slightly used intergalactic transport
  
• Tooth fairy collection

Adventure is just bad planning

Here's the first line:

"Adventure is just bad planning."

Take it from there!

(It's a quote from Roald Amundsen.)

"The writer is always ..."

Why are you?

I was searching for a weekly tip and came across a page on creating characters. It's a pretty good page, actually, but one piece of advice made me realize why so many character questionnaires feel flat to me: it's because the questions ask what rather than why.

The author suggests reverse engineering a character. Go through a favorite book and write down the characteristics of your favorite characters. Write questions that would prompt the descriptions as a response. Then use those questions to interview your own character: create three responses for each question.

One of the responses was, "Hagrid is a large man, so big he must be part giant." A very interesting answer! But the question the article's author came up with is, "What is this character's physical size?" Um, large? It just doesn't lead your mind down interesting paths.

But a question like "Why are you the size you are?" can bring out rich details from a character's past. "Because I'm half giant," is a much more interesting answer than "Really big." Though "15 feet," or however large Hagrid is, is intriguing, it obviously leads to, "Why are you 15 feet tall." Might as well begin with the why!

The page is Creating Characters from Scratch.

The reverse engineering process is described towards the end of the article.

Unreadable underneath

Use only the following words to write with. Cut them up, shuffle them around and see what you come up with.

a
and
and
as
at
back
behind
but
doll's
expected
eyes
eyes
face
face
fear
filled
flowed
he
his
his
his
his
his
I
in
into
it
life
look
lovely
me
moved
no
on
shock
skin
staring
still
surprise
the
there
there
there
underneath
unreadable
until
was
was
was
was
was
wasn't
what
worry

(The words came from a paragraph in a novel. If, when you're done, you want to see what the author came up with, check the comments)

Azreal, evil overlord of darkness and imbiber of caffeine

Here are the characters. Invite one or more into your story and see what happens.

• Azreal, evil overlord of darkness and imbiber of caffeine
  
• A bored god who amuses himself by micromanaging certain people's lives. He has a strange sense of humour.
  
• Alelle, a half angel who believes that she is the savior of mankind.
  
• A woman whose sole purpose, her ultimate goal of life is to capture The Weasel King.
  
• Urza Planeswalker- a god who was onve mortal, is obsessed with Machinery and Artifice.
  
• She was God's biggest groupie.
  
• A large, one-eyed green parrot-- musty and threadbare-- whose only two phrases are, "Where are we going this time?" and "Does this mean we'll be late for dinner?"
  
• A ghost, with a bell and a dagger, dealing tarot cards onto a patch of grass in the desert.
  
• an angel that was thrown from heaven to hell and kicked out of hell and is living eternity on earth
  
• An old man in a torn old coat, endlessly collecting spent souls in his canvas bag. His back is breaking.

These are from Rum & Monkey -- Story Elements. Cool concept to have people deposit characters. In practice there are a few cool characters mixed in with lots of goth suicidal nymphomanic crack addicted virgins. ;-)

"To write something ..."

The Not-So-Grand List of Overused Fantasy Clichés

Like the Fantasy Novelists Exam and Grand list of overused science fiction clichés and The Grand List of Console Role Playing Game Cliches here is:

The Not-So-Grand List of Overused Fantasy Clichés
by Teresa Dietzinger (and contributors)

"Inspired by John Van Sickle's Grand list of Overused Science Fiction Clichés, which is a writer's guide to ideas and plot devices in Science Fiction which might have been a good idea at one point but, to quote Van Sickle, "have become hackneyed from overuse by the unimaginative," unquote. I have sought to create a similar list for ideas and plot devices pertaining specifically to the Fantasy genre, (although I have decided I will not rate the cliches or try to categorize them. Suffice to say, this is simply a list of characterizations, ideas, and plot elements which have a tendency to crop up in Fantasy Fiction on a continual basis.)"

Overused Settings and Storylines

1. THE Fantasy Cliché - Hero starts off as a farm boy/servant/shepherd etc., has his family killed (which turns out not to be his actual family), and, through a process of self-realization and learning, becomes the all-powerful prophesied hero.
2. A brave hero steals from the rich and gives to the poor.
3. A brave hero steals from the rich and keeps it for himself.
4. A brave hero incites a slave revolt just by defeating an opponent or opponents in a feat of gladiatorial combat.
5. A brave hero incites a revolution by foiling a single well-attended public execution.
6. The old sage helping the hero develop his skills so he can defeat the bad guys:
   
   • is killed by the bad guys before the hero's eyes, thus inciting the hero to try even harder to defeat them.
     OR
   • turns out to be an an even worse bad guy who is only using the hero as a pawn against his rivals (and who plans to get rid of the hero once he's served his purpose of defeating said rivals.)
7. A band of heroes travels to various and sundry distant lands searching for the pieces to a key or to a device which will help them defeat the bad guys. After months of continuous trials and tribulations, they finally succeed in finding it and assembling it together, only to have it stolen from them by the bad guys who were smart enough to sit on their arses and wait for the heroes to do all the hard work for them. (Suckers!)
8. A hero/heroine is called upon to take the place of a recently kidnapped member of royalty to whom they bear a conveniently uncanny resemblance.
   (Corollary: No matter how different the impostor might be in terms of background and personality, he/she will have no trouble impersonating the member of royalty. For some reason, their resemblance will be even MORE uncanny if the person they're impersonating is of the opposite gender. (This is known as The Makoto Effect).
9. A pantheon of gods gets together and decides to play "chess" (or Risk, or Monopoly or whatever) with human beings as tokens.
10. It has been prophesied that a certain baby born with a certain birthmark is destined to destroy the villain when it grows up. Said baby is then whisked away to the forest to safety where it is raised to strapping young adulthood by:
    
    • wolves
    • little folk
    • fairies
    • a curmudgeonly, yet endearing old hermit.
      OR
    • the baby is placed in a basket and sent floating down a river where it's found and raised to strapping young adulthood by:
    • a female member of the villain's family
    • a kindly, old, childless peasant couple
11. The hero's best friend is a member of the alien/magical race currently oppressing humanity, thereby making him and his friend the target of racism and prejudice.
12. An immortal being falls in love with a mortal and elects to give up his/her immortality so the two of them can live together.
13. The story takes place in an advanced society where spaceships and high technology reign, but where people inexplicably dress in costume from ancient eras (Roman togas, medieval gowns and armor, 18th century coats and cravats, etc.)
14. A fortuneteller:
    
    • tells the hero that something awful will happen, and sometimes, even how to prevent it, but the hero disregards the advice,
    • a decision he later comes to regret.
    • tells the hero that something awful will happen and despite the elaborate steps the hero takes to prevent this awful thing from happening, it happens anyway.
    • will give the hero a prophecy that's deliberately vague and convoluted, knowing full well that it will cause him to follow a certain course of action (which the fortuneteller secretly wants him to pursue.)
15. A marriage is arranged between a prince and a princess, for political purposes. Both the prince and princess refuse the match but are later sent on a journey/adventure together, during the course of which they fall in love and eventually come to wonder how they could ever have refused the marriage in the first place.
16. The plot revolves around the fact that the villain is after a certain piece of jewelry that the hero owns. (Usually some kind of pendant that possesses some magical power.)
17. An individual from the 20th century, (a Connecticut Yankee, an Astronaut, an Annoyingly Cute Kid from the Cosby Show) travels back in time to King Arthur's Court where he/she finds everyone able to speak perfectly intelligible English and where he/she is able to wow the locals by:
    
    • performing music that is contemporary to the date the movie/TV show was made
      OR
    • by showing off high-tech 20th century doodads like safety pins, firearms, skateboards, and snacks.
18. A hero/heroine visits a museum or an archeological dig where they get bonked on the head and find themselves waking up in the past. While there, the hero/heroine experiences a grand adventure, at the end of which, they get bonked on the head again. When they wake up this time, they find themselves back home in the future, with the impression in their mind that their grand adventure was all a dream. HOWEVER (in a farm-fresh, Rod Serling-esque plot twist), they soon stumble upon something at the museum/archeological dig (a scene from an ancient cave painting featuring their portrait, or a suit of armor with a bullet hole in it), which convinces them that maybe they weren't dreaming after all.
19. Poor/low social class Hero falls madly in love with princess/high social class girl. Princess/high social class girl's overly protective father finds out and attempts to kill hero but is:
    
    • swayed by the girl at the last possible moment
    • robbed of killing the hero by sheer chance
    • the girl gets in the way and he accidentally stabs her instead. (Oops!)
20. Girl is held captive by evil dragon who finds her entertaining, thus saving her from becoming crispy fried.
21. Hero finally gets a chance to beat arch-rival senseless, only to find that arch-rival has become insane/impoverished/lonely/dejected and generally not worth beating...
22. Evil Dragon turns good and befriends heroes, just in time for the "savior" of the heroes to come and kill it dead bug.
23. Talking magical object utterly bamboozles hero, in a world where talking magical objects are completely the norm.
24. Hero finds magical weapon, and is told never to use it, ever. Hero accidentally uses weapon when hero, trusty sidekick (probably either the tone deaf bard or the honorable thief), or lover is in mortal peril.
25. Hero sets off on a quest to find something or someone, only to find at the end he had it/them with him the whole time. (D'oh!)
26. Heroine falls in love with guy A, then out of love with guy A and into love with guy B. Guy B dies, Distraught Heroine marries guy A. Theme of unrequited/thwarted love.
27. Evil Emperor's beautiful daughter falls in love with the hero.
28. Evil Emperor's homely daughter feels compassion for his captives and sets them all free.
29. Hero/Heroine is trying to learn a new move/spell/secret at the beginning of film/episode, but has failed at every attempt. Somehow (be it the power of love, truth or the ol' chestnut- faith in ones abilities) said Hero/Heroine manages to pull it off and defeat the creature/villain who could only be killed by that one move/spell/secret.
30. Evil doers with multi uber awesome powers always come unstuck when a newbie hero/heroine turns up with one super lame attack all powered by (you guessed it) LOVE! (Known as the Pretty Sammy effect.)

Overused Characterizations

1. The princess in the story is:
   
   • a damsel in distress who constantly needs rescuing.
   • a selfish snob who sees the error of her ways after mingling with the hero and the "common people" for a while.
   • a tomboy who prefers trousers to skirts and who constantly has to tell the hero she can take care of herself (even if it's bloody well obvious she can't).
2. A friar or clergyman is lecherous, has a potty mouth, or is in any other way notoriously worldly.
3. A bounty hunter/mercenary hired by the villains to dispatch the hero, turns out to be more interested in honor and/or the thrill of the fight than in the money.
4. A plucky street urchin who befriends the good guys is eventually discovered to be an agent (albeit perhaps, a reluctant one) for the bad guys.
5. The heroes encounter an all-female race which:
   
   • are Amazons or warriors, with no evidence of any agricultural activity within the community, means of commerce, construction, or craftspeople.
   • are young, big-hootered and beautiful. And, with the exception perhaps of a council of elders, there isn't a single old, fat, or ugly amazon in the bunch.
   • are led by a queen or ruler who is in the prime of her life, strikingly beautiful, and who invariably falls head over heels in love with the hero.
6. A lute-toting bard who tags along with the heroes:
   
   • is useless as a fighter or as much of anything else.
   • promises to "sing great songs" about the heroes after their adventures have ended.
   • is almost completely lacking in any real musical talent whatsoever.
     AND
   • in rare cases, gets himself into trouble with a lady or with her family ("You spoony bard!")
7. Creatures that are half-man/half-animal always look more animal than man. Creatures that are half-woman/half animal, always look more woman than animal and almost always wear little (or no) clothing and have extremely large breasts.
8. The evil wizard is played by either Jack Palance or Christopher Lee.
9. The hero has an American accent. The rest of the cast have English accents.
10. Blonde princesses are good, brunette/dark-haired princesses are evil.
11. Evil emperors:
    
    • crave wealth, money and power
    • dress in robes or armor, or a combination of both and tend to cover up every inch of their bodies even if the temperature is 98 degrees outside.
    • sometimes have an attraction to the heroine or to the hero's girlfriend.
12. Evil empresses:
    
    • crave wealth, money and power
    • dress in leather, bikinis, or a combination of both, and tend to dress scantily even if the temperature is 20 degrees below zero outside.
    • ALWAYS have an attraction to the hero (and sometimes to the heroine or to the hero's girlfriend.)
13. The best fighters are always men. The best healers/white magic users are always women. (I've seen many a console RPG guilty of this one.) #14
14. The sword the hero is carrying has a blade made of pure light energy which goes VOOOM! whenever he swings it.
15. A villain who is particularly vain or pretty receives a scar or burn on his/her face, courtesy of the hero. Said villain then dons a mask (usually) and spends a good chunk of the rest of the story sulking in a dark place, plotting his/her revenge.
16. As a child, the hero:
    
    • trains hard to be a great warrior/mage/etc., though no one believes he/she can do it.
    • is destined to be a great warrior/mage/etc., and refuses to train because he/she finds it a waste of time.
17. The hero of the story is:
    
    • incredibly arrogant and cocky, but can never back it up.
    • a coward who does nothing until the very end, when he gets over his fear to do one thing that accomplishes his mission, eventually being declared a hero for that one deed.
    • a great warrior, except when he is drunk, (and he is almost always drunk).
18. A member of the group who is a child will be ignored and/or mistreated by the others, even if he/she is smarter than all the other group members combined.
19. The hero is always either a really gorgeous guy (enabling him to capture the hearts of all the girls) or an atrociously ugly guy (enabling him to capture the hearts of all the girls, albeit through pity, his inferiority complex, and the lack of love he's received from everyone.)
20. Clergymen who are affiliated with any kind of established church appear noble and serene, but inside are actually pompous, hypocritical, or secretly in league with the forces of evil. (Japanese RPGs are ESPECIALLY guilty of this one.)
21. Clergymen who are NOT affiliated with any kind of established church and who are instead wandering monks and friars appear to be rude, hard-drinking, and worldly, but inside secretly have a heart of gold and are disposed to give help to the hero whenever he needs it (as well as be on hand to marry the hero to his sweetheart at the end of the movie/story.) #22
22. The larger and more titanic the size of the heroine's breasts, the less likely they are to impede her ability to fight, run, flip backwards several times, etc.
23. The cool, anti-hero type vampire hunter with superhuman strength turns out to be (in another brilliantly original, Serling-esque plot twist) a vampire (or half-vampire) themselves.
24. A hero is boastful, claiming nobody is better than him. As a result more people who are able to defeat him show up in the story/series. (That's what you get for tempting the fates).
25. If the character in the original book is female, a warrior, detests men with a passion, and a cold-hearted villainess, in the movie she'll be a bratty little plot device who falls in love with every male she comes in contact with.
26. A Barbarian appears in the story.
    
    • If it's female, it will dress in a skimpy, bust-enhancing, leather costume, carry around a big sword, and will frequently insist that the only man she'll marry is one who can defeat her in a fair contest. Despite how tough she might be, she'll scream like a schoolgirl every time she encounters a rat in a dungeon.
    • If it's a male, it will dress in a leather thong and a headband (and not much else), carry around a big sword, and will, in most cases, sport a thick Austrian accent. Will have a tendency, when surprised or when rushing into battle, to shout epithets involving the names of extremely masculine-sounding gods. ("By CROM, I will defeat you!!!!")
27. The comic relief is:
    
    • A cowardly yet amiable thief/pickpocket.
    • A cute (sometimes wise-cracking) animal who seems pretty annoying and useless except during those rare times when a situation calls for filching dungeon keys or for heroically sacrificing oneself in an attempt to distract the villain.
    • A tone-deaf bard. (see aforementioned comments concerning bards above).
    • A pair of lovable droids with clashing, Odd Couple-esque personalities.
    • Any animated character whose VA is Robin Williams, Dom DeLuise or Gilbert Gottfried.
    • An inept, out-of-shape, out-of-his-league, self-declared "hero" who tags along with the real heroes in the hopes of experiencing a grand adventure, (and who usually winds up instead being a pain in the ass, being eventually compromised by the villain, or just plain mucking up everyone's plans.) In rare cases, his/her ineptitude will result in his/her performing an action which, through sheer luck, will result in causing a setback for the villain (oftentimes by causing his accidental destruction).
    • Usually completely unnecessary.
28. A dragon appears in the story. Said dragon is possessed of a sentient mind and the ability to converse in human languages fluently, (a seemingly meaningless talent for it to have, considering all the dragon wants to do with his life is to find an enormous hoard of treasure, plop his big, scaly ass down on top of it and sleep for all eternity, waking only to shoo away/eat the occasional armored knight, hobbit, or callow teen-aged hero which might come round to try and claim it).
29. Fairies (the 6 inch tall kind) are usually:
    
    • scantily dressed and female
    • cute beyond all reason,
    • extremely hot-tempered
    • jealously attracted to the Hero. (The fact that he's 300 times bigger than she is and that the two of them have no hope of engaging in normal intimate relations does not appear to shake her resolve to love him one bit.)
30. Villains dress in dark or sinister colors such as black and blood red.
31. Wizards wear tall pointed hats and robes embroidered with moons and stars.
32. Any character you see within the story that has a western name either has it spelt differently or is a secondary character who bears no importance whatsoever. All other proper nouns (names and places) will be completely foreign and hard to pronounce.
33. Evil people always sound more evil and deadly with a British accent (unless it's Dick Van Dyke)
34. Orphans become heroes.
35. Stepmothers are evil.
36. Villainous or dark characters are the way they are because of a tragic occurrence in their pasts.
37. The heroine/hero is always so beautiful that everyone falls in love with him/her.

Story Events and Plot Devices

1. A wedding takes place where the phrase "And if there's anyone present who can see why these two shouldn't be joined in marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace," is followed by a scene in which nobody holds their peace. (Corollary: It is a Universal Rule of Fantasy that the hero and his buddies, when attempting to stop a wedding between the hero's love interest and the villain, MUST choose the particular moment after that phrase is uttered, to launch their attack, even if waiting to do so puts them at a strategic disadvantage.)
2. The all-powerful wizard/seemingly unbeatable enemy turns out to be a mischievous child or a dinky old man behind a curtain.
3. The villain's fortress starts to crumble around our heroes the moment he is defeated, leaving our heroes just barely enough time to escape before it collapses.
4. The overly friendly (or, in some cases, vaguely menacing) bishop or church official turns out to actually be at the head of the evil cult.
5. The hero runs into a competent swordswoman:
   
   • whose great skill with the sword is matched only by the great size of her hooters
     AND WHO
   • engages him in battle (at first)
   • sleeps with him (later on)
   • sacrifices her life for him (at the end)
6. Secondary characters who are killed in the first season of the TV series or movie are brought back to life in the sequel/next season for the flimsiest of reasons, because they were popular OR because the writers/producers of the show are too gutless to risk offending soccer moms by killing off sympathetic characters (and showing kids that, yes, sometimes evil actually wins.)
7. The hero and his girlfriend who, although looked like they were headed down the aisle at the end of the first movie or season of the TV series are inexplicably separated or estranged at the beginning of the sequel/next season.
8. One of the good guys falls in love with and becomes engaged to a character with no background and no previous presence in the storyline. Said character will invariably:
   
   • (if it's a female) get kidnapped by the bad guys, forcing the good guys to rally around the groom and help him go save her.
   • turn out to be a spy or operative for the Bad Guys.
   • turn out to be a criminal or con-artist who wants to scam the heroes out of an important item or out of their pocket change.
     In any event, the mysterious fiance turns out to be a one-shot character who, at the end of the book/episode:
   • dies
   • gets thrown in prison
   • is discovered to be already married to somebody else.
   • decides they want to get to hitched to an old flame instead of to the good guy/gal she/he's engaged to.
   • just plain up and leaves for no damn good reason.
9. A virgin, slated for sacrifice, is rendered unsuitable for sacrificial purposes thanks to a plot contrivance which conveniently places her and the hero alone in the same area just long enough for them to have an intimate encounter.
10. The villain turns out to be the hero's long-lost father/ brother/ uncle's cousin's sister's best friend's former roommate, etc.
11. The hero inexplicably chooses to ride off into the sunset alone or with his buddies rather than stay behind with the hot princess he just rescued and help her rule her kingdom.
12. The hero(es) extricate themselves from a hopelessly tricky situation by simply cutting a rope holding a chandelier. (Making sure it's the right rope first, of course, ala Robin Hood: Men in Tights.)
13. All it takes to defeat the villain is a good dousing with a bucket of cold water. (The Sci-Fi equivalent to this Fantasy plot device would be the all-powerful superweapon that's about to destroy the world being disabled by simply pulling a plug from a wall outlet.)
14. The villain charges towards the hero, intending to strike him down while his back in turned, but is prevented from doing do by a weapon shot/thrown by the hero's friend or ally, who just happened to conveniently arrive at that very moment.
15. A princess rescues the hero from jail by:
    
    • drugging the guard(s) drinks.
    • pretending to trip and exposing her shapely legs, thereby distracting the guard(s) long enough for the hero to reach out from between the bars of his cell and klonk him/them unconscious.
16. An executioner or a priest performing a human sacrifice is stopped from doing his job at the last second by a hero who manages to pull off a one-in-a-million, defies-all-known-laws-of-reason-and-physics shot with a ranged weapon.
17. A catapult successfully shoots a hero over the castle battlements where he lands safely on the other side in a pile of straw, instead of ending up as a stain on the wall or with his insides spilled on the cobblestones of the courtyard pavement.
18. The hero from the future goes back in time and uses the old "Hey, what's that over there?" trick to elude the villains, and it works because said villains come from an era in history when men were less-media savvy and more prone to believe in the sincerity of everything told to them by other people.
19. The hero from the future goes back in time and uses the old "Hey, what's that over there?" trick to elude the villains, and it DOESN'T work because, let's face it, that old trick has been around since the days the first cavemen walked the earth. (Only then it was known as "Lookout ! There's a velociraptor headed straight for us!" Needless to say, it didn't work very well THEN, either...)
20. An obnoxiously cute little creature that's following the heroes around sacrifices it's life for them, and at the end of the story, gets resurrected somehow. (This is usually much to the chagrin of the viewers/readers, most of whom had hated that annoying little turd from the moment it first appeared in the story and had cheered loudly when they thought it had been dispatched.)
21. Modern (sometimes painfully modern) jokes/clichés/conventions of society, etc. are used for comedic effect.
22. Archaic weapons are used improperly. (Or misused because it looks cool.) i.e.: A hero blocks his enemy's downstroke while crouched on the ground with his back to him, a ninja catches an arrow or stops a swinging sword with his bare hands, etc.
23. Weapons are used which could never really work in reality the way they do in the story/series. (Not without slicing the user's fingers off. CHAKRAM *Cough!*)
24. The most powerful member of the group (usually a wizard) refuses to use his powers unless absolutely necessary, even when doing so would have saved the group a month's journey or prevented the death of one or more of its members.
25. The most powerful member of the group leaves at the most crucial moment and comes back to find that the group completely screwed everything up because he/she was gone.
26. When two members of sparring kingdoms travel together, they:
    
    • (if they're of the same sex) become best of friends and decide to work together to unite their kingdoms.
    • (if they're of the opposite sex) become lovers and decide to marry and have children to unite their kingdoms.
27. When a hero has a dark past/secret, it is known by:
    
    • the hero's parent(s)/sibling(s)/guardian(s) who took care of him since he was a child. This person reveals the secret to the hero just before he dies, leaving the hero with no one to answer the many questions this revelation brought up.
      AND
    • the villain, who is connected to the past/secret in some way.
28. The heroes seek the help of a legendary warrior. Upon finding him, they discover him to be a washed-up, aged, curmudgeon-y old drunk who can barely stand up much less save the day.
29. When dealing with the heroes, the villain will always forgo the simple, straightforward option of crushing them utterly and instead, inexplicably choose to deploy his weakest weapons/minions against them first, thus allowing the heroes ample opportunity to build up their strength to the point where they become a bona fide threat.
30. (Corollary from Rule #2 above) If the villain looks monstrous, ferocious or intimidating, it's true form will turn out to be weak, almost comical. If the villain is normal, puny-looking, or handsome, it's true form will turn out to be towering and monstrous.
31. Comrades-in-arms who fall in battle are mourned by the heroes for a grand total of about three seconds and then callously forgotten about for the rest of the story.
32. Characters are able to perform or witness acts of tremendous violence, (mutilations, explosions, decapitations, massacres, etc.,) without ever suffering any negative mental repercussions in the form of nightmares, neuroses, psychosis, post-traumatic stress disorder, or anything else of that nature.
33. The hero shoots an arrow, the tip of which the camera follows right until it enters the forehead of its victim. (a'la Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, LOTR, etc.)
34. All it takes to make a miraculous recovery from a mortal injury is having an extreme will to live. (Or by having a soulmate/wise old friend/mysterious person with magical healing powers who will play a large role in the up-coming plotline to destroy the villain help you.)
35. The villain commits a cruel act that's over-the-top in it's senselessness (i.e. killing a messenger who brings bad news, crushing a canary or killing a cherished pet) for no other reason than to show just how evil he truly is.
36. The Evil Emperor imprisons the hero's girlfriend, dresses her like a skank, offers her all the power and possessions her heart desires, and then is genuinely mystified when she fails to fall for him.
37. The Evil Empress imprisons the hero, dresses like a skank, offers him her beautiful, voluptuous body to do with as he pleases, and then is genuinely mystified when he fails to fall for her. (As are all the men reading/watching the story...)
38. Even though all the odds are stacked against him, the (average-minded) hero somehow manages to outwit the (brilliant) villain, simply because the hero is a) on the side of good or b) has someone else doing all the thinking for him or c) when about to die, uses the power of love and life to lift himself up one final time, which is just enough to kill the villain.
39. Scantily-clad and hatless heroes and heroines are able to walk for miles outdoors under a blazing sun without even the slightest hint of a sunburn or skin damage afterwards.
40. A story or episode features characters from competing and wildly differing religious belief systems (i.e. biblical figures, figures from Greek and Roman myths) interacting with each other seamlessly and apparently without any theological conflicts.
41. The story features a character employing some kind of a love potion. This usually turns out to be a Really Bad Idea because:
    
    • Love potions being used by people with good intentions (who wish to have certain members of the heroes' party fall in love with certain other members, ) invariably wind up being drunk by people they were not intended for,
      AND
    • Love potions being used by the villain/villainess (to win over one of the hero characters) are annoyingly susceptible to being broken by that pesky ol' Power of True Love Thing.
42. The heroes fight their way to the villain's inner sanctum to find the villain, dressed in somber colors, playing creepy music on a pipe organ.
43. A character who is killed off is brought back in the lamest way possible by having the same actor who portrayed them play the deceased character's twin, secret love child, alternate persona from another universe, etc.
44. Have I mentioned either the "Villain employs the hero's evil twin or lookalike impostor against the hero" or the "Hero and Villain switch bodies and the hero's companions don't find out until it's almost too late" clichés yet?
45. The last day of the year when the magical keyhole to the magical secret passage is able to appear in the side of the mountain, is, by sheer coincidence, the very same day the heroes arrive with the key.
46. Male characters who are kept in dungeons for several days exhibit no signs of beard growth, even though they may have been chained to a wall and thus, unable to shave themselves. (Same goes for scantily-clad female characters and leg and armpit hair growth.)
47. Characters absolutely cannot change their clothes or get them dirty unless, of course, it is story related. Addendum: No matter how many times the hero's clothes are
    burned, bloodied, stained, torn, slashed, or otherwise mutilated, by the end of the episode/chapter, the clothes will be as good as new.
48. Right before the villain is about to be killed by the hero, he pleads for his life. Naturally, the hero takes pity on the villain and spares him, provided he vows to give up his evil ways. (Which he almost never DOES)
49. The hero will arrive at the last possible second to defeat the dark lord and save everybody.
50. Grand viziers are ALWAYS evil. Same goes for high priests. Something in the job description probably.
51. If the storyline features a joust or martial arts tournament, the heroes will wind up entering it (and winning it, in spite of it having been fixed by the villains.)
52. When the hero wins a contest set up by the villain, he will be denied his prize and/or thrown into jail. (Example: Japanese Final Fantasy 2)
53. Gunpowder hasn't been invented. (Have you ever noticed how many fantasy stories are set in worlds where nobody has developed gunpowder?)
54. Magic and technology advance unequally. Magical worlds usually possess ancient and medieval technology. Likewise, in technological worlds, magic tends to play a secondary role at best.
55. The Dark Lord inspires such terror that no one dares to speak of him by name (at least aloud.)
56. Any person a main character marries (if they're not a main character themselves) is toast. You can count the time they have left to live in seconds. (Corollary: If two people have sex in a non-hentai anime, one or both of them will be dead by the final frame.)
57. The forces of good reside in beautiful lands, while lands belonging to the forces of evil are unattractive. (The science-fictional equivalent of this cliché is that benevolent civilizations dwell on beautiful planets, while the planets of malevolent cultures are unattractive.)
58. The existence of magicians who can easily raze or bypass castle walls doesn't render traditional castles obsolete.
59. Societies are traditional monarchies and traditional aristocracies.
60. Royal families include evil relatives who scheme to steal or who have stolen the throne from the rightful rulers, their heirs, or both.
61. The hero/heroine will find the code to something or other and spend a long time trying to break it, only to find out it was a simple password that didn't deserve the time it took to break, but bears significant importance to the plot.
62. The story is actually an allegory of some real period which occurred in history (ie: Nazi Germany, Renaissance-Era Venice, Communist Russia, etc.) with characters who are thinly disguised versions of real historical figures.
63. The villain of a "barbarian fantasy"/sword-and-sorcery story/movie maintains a harem of scantily-clad slave girls.
64. A villain raping a female hero = a tragic, criminal act which inspires vengeance. A hero raping a female villain = the female villain falls head over heels in love with the hero and spends the rest of the story trying to win him over.
65. Our world is connected to other dimensions through portals and linking rooms. (Corollary: In fantasy worlds, teleportation is usually based on magical not scientific principles and is used [mostly] as a cheap device to quickly get characters to the next plot point.)
66. Heroes from our world visit other dimensions and thwart the schemes of resident Evil Overlords. (Corollary to above: Heroes from our world who find themselves in other dimensions usually have at least one member of their party who's seen or read a lot of fantasy stories and who believes themselves savvy as to how their new world actually works.)
67. Heroes and villains from other dimensions visit our world and decide to turn it into a battlefield for their final conflict (which usually results in the near destruction of our world. Fortunately, the otherworldly visitors usually have the ability to undo the damage they've caused by turning back time or by casting a clean-up spell.)
68. People who travel into dimensions which are vastly different from their own suffer very little in the way of culture shock, even if the place they came from was a small medieval dirt-hut village and the world they traveled to is an advanced, futuristic, neon-sign and machine-filled cityscape.
69. In contrast to villains, who often dress in dark or sinister colors, heroes frequently dress in bright but sensible colors.
70. Monarchies are hereditary. With the possible exception of religious hierarchies, elective monarchies do not exist.
71. Popular monarchies do not exist. The titles of monarchs are linked to their states instead of their peoples. Likewise, monarchs are regarded as governing well-defined states rather than peoples.
72. Survivors of a postmodern apocalypse (or people from a futuristic society who crash-land on a primitive world) will revert to a primitive way of life and start speaking like cavemen. (Alternatively, they'll speak normally but selectively mangle the pronunciation of common terms and place names for no good reason other than to prove how "changed" they are.) Items and inventions from the ancient (modern) past will often be treated like sacred relics. (Nuclear missiles will be held in especially high regard and worshipped as sacred totems. At least until they blow up.)
73. On a post-holocaust Earth, the inhabitants adopt magic instead of science and technology. (Corollary: Commonly on post-holocaust Earths, magic is rationalized as being based on psionics.)
74. Magic is actually a form of science that has never been systematized in our world.
75. Fantasy cultures are frequently derived from northern Europe.
76. Fantasy cultures in Japanese RPG's are also frequently derived from northern Europe (but will have at least one village filled with Asian architecture where everyone looks and dresses Japanese. This village is where all the ninjas, martial arts training monks, and cool ronin samurai warriors live.)
77. Magic is passed through bloodlines. (This can create castes within magic-user communities where "purebloods" think themselves better than "half-breeds" or "mixed-bloods".)
78. If a hero has an identical twin or clone, it will invariably turn out to be evil.
79. If a villain has an identical twin or clone, it will usually also turn out to be evil. (This is especially true if the villain is killed off at the end of one season, and the producers of the show don't want to hire a brand new actor to fill up the "villain" slot in the cast for the next season.)
80. In the rare event that a character's identical twin or clone isn't evil, they'll usually turn out to be a polar opposite of that character in terms of personality. (This is often done for comedic effect, with the result sometimes being that the character's friends and cohorts come to like the twin even more than they like the character, and are sad to see the twin go...)
81. It is not unusual for all members of a hero's family to look exactly like the hero. (Even female members will do so it's not unusual for the hero's grandmother to look just like the hero himself wearing a bad granny wig.) Identical cousins are really common, as are identical ancestors or descendants, who look like the hero even down to the way they style their hair!
82. During the final, climactic fight of the first book/season of a series, a hero will inadvertently discover a power they have that is very scary and that no one else has.
83. The lands of the hero are suffering a horrible drought that ends the moment the villain is killed.
84. Somehow or another, no matter how many dangerous fights the heroes get themselves into, they are never hurt or scarred. If they are hurt and scarred they will quickly heal it themselves or it (amazingly) will disappear in the next chapter/episode.
85. Somehow or another the villain ALWAYS comes back, even if the heroes witness him being killed with their own eyes.
86. A villain who starts working along with the hero/heroine will always earn their trust, even after all the times the villain almost killed them.
87. There seems to always be a mysterious tavern...

Van Helsing Rules
Here's a special subset of clichés I like to call the Van Helsing Rules, named after the infamous vampire movie which employed nearly every hackneyed monster movie cliché in the book and which shattered nearly every law of physics and reason...

• Van Helsing Rule #1: All anti-hero types must dress in black, have mysterious pasts, a gruff demeanor, and the ability to crack witty remarks during the heat of battle. No matter how competent they are, or how many people they manage to save, they'll always find themselves hated by the public and mistrusted by their superiors.
• Van Helsing Rule #2: If the cool anti-hero gets paired with a sidekick, it'll most likely be a kooky comic-relief gadgeteer who, inexplicably, winds up getting laid more often than he does. Corollary : It is NEVER right when the kooky comic relief gadgeteer winds up getting laid more often than the cool anti-hero. Especially if the cool anti-hero happens to be played by Hugh Jackman.
• Van Helsing Rule #3: Lower-ranking clergy NEVER take the whole "obeying the ten commandments" and "celibacy" thing very seriously. (In spite of this, they are almost always more trustworthy and compassionate than the Vatican higher-ups...)
• Van Helsing Rule #4: Cool anti-heroes love their hats and will do anything to keep from losing them.
• Van Helsing Rule #5: The cooler-looking and "seemingly-more-likely-to-go-out-of-control-and-kill-the-person-wielding-it-than-the-person-it's-aimed-at" a weapon is, the better it works.
• Van Helsing Rule #6: All crossbows basically behave like machine guns with arrows.
• Van Helsing Rule #7: High heels and a tight corset are considered acceptable vampire-hunting garb.
• Van Helsing Rule #8: Powerful supervillains like to keep their friends close, their enemies closer and the one object which is capable of saving the hero and contributing to their own demise in a lightly guarded room located within their own fortress.
• Van Helsing Rule #9: All unknown viscous fluids are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.
• Van Helsing Rule #10: In Eastern Europe, the full moon occurs approximately once every four days.
• Van Helsing Rule #11: You need never keep track of where you're going in a desperate pitched battle, because ALL you need to do is swing on a rope and/or crash through a window and you'll automatically find yourself at the one place you needed to go to next.
• Van Helsing Rule #12: The stroke of midnight can, if the plot calls for it, go on for twenty minutes or more.
• Van Helsing Rule #13: Female characters who fall in love with the cool anti-hero are invariably doomed. (The fact that they were able to kick ass and survive high falls, beatings and monster attacks for the first 98% of the movie is irrelevant. All it will take to dispatch them at the end is a simple stab wound.)
• Van Helsing Rule #14: Cool, creepy art direction and millions of dollars of special effects cannot make up for a script conceived and written by a severely impaired tube worm...