(Comments? Direct them to the author at Rinkworks.)
The Fantasy Novelist's Exam
By David J. Parker
Additional Material By Samuel Stoddard
Ever since J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis created the worlds of Middle Earth and Narnia, it seems like every windbag off the street thinks he can write great, original fantasy, too. The problem is that most of this "great, original fantasy" is actually poor, derivative fantasy. Frankly, we're sick of it, so we've compiled a list of rip-off tip-offs in the form of an exam. We think anybody considering writing a fantasy novel should be required to take this exam first. Answering "yes" to any one question results in failure and means that the prospective novel should be abandoned at once.
The Exam
- Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages?
- Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage?
- Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it?
- Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?
- Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world?
- How about one that will destroy it?
- Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good?
- Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information?
- Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise?
- Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character?
- Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician?
- Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel?
- How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"?
- How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"?
- Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around?
- Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued?
- Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals?
- Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters?
- Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters?
- Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"?
- How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"?
- Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different?
- Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief?
- Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy?
- Do you not know when the hay baler was invented?
- Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"?
- Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then?
- Is this the first book in a planned trilogy?
- How about a quintet or a decalogue?
- Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book?
- Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"?
- Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books?
- Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?
- Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group?
- Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm?
- Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names?
- Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?
- Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"?
- Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?
- How about "orken" or "dwerrows"?
- Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"?
- At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines?
- Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?
- Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG?
- Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast?
- Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls?
- Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't?
- Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place?
- Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot?
- Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"?
- Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel?
- Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?
- Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel?
- Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs?
- Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest?
- Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?
- Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it?
- Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar?
- Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor?
- Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? [info]
- Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains?
- Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns?
- Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger?
- Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man?
- Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal?
- Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead?
- Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"?
- Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion?
- Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild?
- Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death?
- Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute?
- Is "common" the official language of your world?
- Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before?
- Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?
- Read that question again and answer truthfully.
Mmmmm. Guys. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteMany of those things are absolutely hilarious--honestly, they are. However...
While some of them are ridiculous (such as someone fighting a full out battle and then being able to make love to the barmaid, wasn't it?)with others, you're kind of being...odd? A scimitar? So what if someone dies because of that?
I believe only two of my answers came up as yes--and they were the very broad and ridiculously general ones that should not even be on the list. I have to say, if you're going to try and turn others away from the cliche's of fantasy, please, use your heads.
The simple fact of the matter is, fantasy is often done in a certain way--hence, the term FANTASY. Wow, I KNOW. Who would have thought it? One of the questions I had to answer 'Yes' to was that my story has elves. So what? Fantasy stories are known for having ELEMENTS OF FANTASY. Yes, nuts, right?
If you are going to write fantasy, however, you can still retain many of the classic ideas--such as elves, or magic, or anything quite like that (by the way, where are the dragons on your list? They've been shot around with quite a bit, and it is very lame sometimes) but the idea is to do it in a NEW WAY. Fantasy is currently undertaking a kind of transition--just look at what has been put out within the last ten years. Fantasy is shifting from the strict, "Ye shall use thy sword and kill all thy enemies and woe the fair damsel!" to something that has a more modern flare to it. It is becoming something else entirely, and, if you paid careful attention, you would notice this. Not only is it beginning to show in recent publications, but also by those that are writing students.
Basically...there is nothing wrong with wanting some of the traditional elements of fantasy in your work. True, you shouldn't use them as they have been used before, but here is the chance to be creative--find a fresh way to do things, make your characters new, do something that is different from what has been done before. There are some upcoming writers that understand this, and are making use of it--preserving what needs to be preserved, and making their own amendments. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.
And really...? Get off your high horse. While writers of fantasy need a strict warning that they should be original with what they do or how they portray something that has been done before, they DON'T need this list. Obviously, you need to have a better grasp on the fantasy genre as well.
~a writing student
I seriously want to write a story and hit every point in here....except I'm not Robert Jordan. Sob!
ReplyDeleteI can seriously imagine a fearless cookess who is more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan, riding around on her horse all day, wearing plate armor filled with gold.. um... yeah, who is a goddess in disguse but doesn't know it... and stabs her enemies through their plate mail with a scimitar...who is destined to save the world in between cooking 10 min. stews and delicately making love to barmaids.
alright. I'm done.
You made me laugh so much, though. thank you.
You're welcome! Sounds like an epic idea. :-) It could be a trilogy. It could have prequels. And sequels written by others ...
ReplyDeleteThe list inspired my 2nd National Novel Writing Month Novel. It was about a burned out wizard with a present day character transported to another world. And I deliberately had her wanting to cast fireballs ;-)
Joyce
I'm with you on most of these, but some of them aren't so much cliches as realistic things.
ReplyDeleteDo any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?
So what? Lot's of real names do.
Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't?
I don't get how someone is even supposed to answer this question. How would they know?
Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place?
That's kind of the way things were in pre-industrial societies. If you want a story that involves different cities or countries, you either need teleportation, dragonriders, or a damned lot of walking and boating.
Well here are my comments to questions that somewhat pertain to a fantasy story I wrote and published on writing.com. Here is the link:
ReplyDeletehttp://writing.com/view/1548369
Please read and see if you agree with my responses
1.Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages?-maybe the first 10
2.Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage?-the character's parents aren't mentioned. Nothing secret about it.
4.Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?-he has to get stronger first
13.How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"?-maybe not too bright
20.Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"?-yes
29.How about a quintet or a decalogue?-maybe longer
30.Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book?-no about 50-70 pages
32.Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books?-yes
37.Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?-one so far
39.Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?so far yes and to add more
42.At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines?-thanks for the idea. But no
52.Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?-yes
54.Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs?-the characters use a bank, not mentioned in the first story, but in the second one I am currently working on.
56.Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?-be too tiring.
60.Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? [info]-probably more
65.Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal?-C rats
69.Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild?-a thief is one of the main characters
72.Is "common" the official language of your world?-yes
74.Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?-no, trying not to be.
lol. I think I only answered yes to 2 1/2 of those questions:
ReplyDelete37. Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?
... 4 syllables is not that long.
47. Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't?
Well, I think I do, but then I might not really. I remember learning about it in 7th grade. so this is the half.
63. Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger?
Consider that the small woman with a dagger is the other main character and a trained assassin.
Just saying.
By the looks of this questionaire, Mr. Parker hasn't visited his local book store in the last 50 years! The author of every fantasy book out right now can answer "Yes" to at least one of those questions.
ReplyDeleteI completely love lists of questions like this that ask you to surrender your story just because the author of the questions doesn't like that type of story. What makes a story successful is whether or not people identify with it, not whether or not it revolves around some cliche. Let's face it, all we have left are cliches to play with. So why stress over it?
Louis Corsair
I think the best humor has underlying truth to it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I also think humor needs to not be taken seriously! ;-)
I think what people should take away from this is the recognition that those *are* cliches and to not treat them as fresh ideas. Which seems obvious but I'm sure a 1000 agents and editors who read the fantasy stuff that never make it to print would give a resounding "YES! PLEASE!" to that ;-)
If a reader finishes a book with a feeling the tropes played out as expected then the writer -- and agents and editors! -- didn't do their jobs. If a cliche can set up expectations then the writer turns those upside down, that's an effective use of old ideas.
But if someone doesn't realize something's an old idea it's hard to turn them upside down ;-) Which is why writers are urged to read, read, read before they write, write, write.
This list did make me laugh. I think those that are complaining against it are taking it too seriously -- I mean, I don't agree with everything on the list (seriously, a four-syllable name isn't that long, and what's wrong with elves and dwarves?), but I was only reading the list for the fun of it, which I think is why it was written.
ReplyDeleteHave to say, now I want to refer to "hit point" in one of my books. In fact, I think I'm going to....
What's wrong with trilogies and decalogues?
ReplyDeleteNothing inherently wrong with trilogies and so forth. Some *stories* are epic.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is, that some writers, especially beginning writers, think they have epic stories to tell when what they really have is diarrhea of the fingers ;-) And what they need is the ability to cut down to the essentials the story needs to relay it.
What I see many beginning writers do is have their characters react to a series of emotionally or physically impacting events, but the whole doesn't tell a "story". There's no overarching meaning to what's happened. It's more akin to soap opera than "story."
By "story" I mean something bigger what moves the characters from beginning to end. Writers have been trying to define story forever ;-) A reader knows a writer has achieved a "story" when there's a feeling that all the pieces fit together with nothing extraneous in a satisfying whole that's greater than the little story, the series of events from beginning to end, that was told.
That was longer than I intended ;-) but the difference between "story' and unfolding a series of events is an idea that's been rattling around in my head.
I really like the fantasy novelist exam. i laughed so hard. if i can make a suggestion i think it's missing 'can your character(s) control elements such as fire and water....'
ReplyDeleteSeriously, where are the dragons on this list? I think it's about time dragons got some recognition besides always being the 'bad guys'.
ReplyDeleteSome cliches do have to be included for it to be fantasy...just saying. Originality comes from how you use the cliches. Play with the characters a bit. One of my main characters is a healer mage with a calm demeanor, an impatience with self-pity, and a kleptomaniac trait. And the character is a male healer. And a teen.
ReplyDeleteWell, while a lot of the questions are very good, and really quite amusing, there still stands to reason that most of these could be redone in a more modern setting without too many 'Mary-sue' problems.
ReplyDelete*deep sigh* Not bad at all for a list (I'm proud to say that I answered no to every single one), but there could have been more in-depth questions asked.
Seriously- where are the vampires and werewolves on this list?
ReplyDeleteI think, at least traditionally, vampires and werewolves are horror. They've both certainly been "fantasized" and "romanticized" recently (along with zombies)! :-) But for the exam, the writers' definition of fantasy seems to be what's been inspired by Tolkien and C.S. Lewis.
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say I answered no to every question on there. Well, except maybe the3 feudal question. But my society is in anarchy so...
ReplyDeletedude, you can't stab someone with a scimitar. it's a slashing weapon, not made for stabbing. i'm a dork, i know, but i love swords.
ReplyDeleteI had to answer yes for a few of these for various books I'm writing. I'm going to refer to them as "A", "B", and "C" so I don't get confused.
ReplyDelete8. Yes for A, but he dies really soon on, and the protagonist's friend is a suspect.
25. I don't know exactly, but I've never mentioned it in my writing. Does this still count?
28/29. Yes for A. It's a planned trilogy revolving around the same bloodline, but there are going to be other books that take place in the same world with different characters.
30. Guilty as charged for A. The other two are kind of slim.
32. Once again, yes for A, but that's the third book in the trilogy. And this one is yes for B and about the antagonist so that he doesn't seem like such a bad guy.
35. Actually the other way around for C, if that counts.
37. Yes for A and B, but that's because their names are from real foreign languages such as Irish and Latin, and those names can sometimes stretch very long. I try to save the crazy-named ones for minor parts.
41. Technically for B, but that's because it's about dogs and some are first-generation crossbreeds.
48. Yes for A, but that's because they're sailors. It's what they do.
72. I'm pleased to say that this is NOT true for A or C. B is only true because it takes place in our world, in one city. For the other two, there are various languages across the land, but most educated adults speak a lingua franca.